Jutsu High
by Ky Hakubi
Summary: The next in a series of mockeries. You asked for it, so here it is... with some added bonuses! High schools, shock collars and side quests abound! Not to mention lots and lots of alcohol... COMPLETE
1. Chapter 1

**AN:** Well, Here's the third parody fic. Today's target? YAOI! YURI! SLASH in general! Let it be known now that I have no real problem with these personally (Descendants of Darkness was a good anime, even if Hisoka was a little over dramatic), I find using these types of pairings (Naru/Sasu for instance) tend to be a little stupid. While they could work within the confines of a story if set up properly, I find too many fics don't take the effort to make them reasonable. Naruto suddenly jumping Sasuke's bones is a little much... AU can, of course, bypass any real concerns since it's not the actual Naruto reality, but then the familiarity of the characters is lost as well and it stops being 'Naruto'... hey, I think I just found my next target... AU knock offs. What do ya think? ponders

I have it! Here's a Triple Threat! Three for the price of one! yaoi, AU, AND crossovers!

Here we go!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Naruto, or any other anime I may use. I don't make money. I'm doing this for fun. I hope you have some. Try it. It's delicious. Fun tastes even better than the human soul and black holes. At least, it tastes better than Chuck Norris describes... Chicken is okay, but General Tsao's Chicken is even better!

_**Jutsu High**_

_**By Ky Hakubi**_

"Naruto! Pay attention will you?" Mr. Iruka barked at the lazy student.

Naruto looked up, eyes half closed, or half open if you're of the optomistic variety.

Sasuke 'Hn'ed at the slacker.

'_Eh, what does he know?,' _Naruto thought. He was an emo-kid... Naruto was surprised that he wasn't cutting himself or spouting lame ass poetry... _"Or was that Goths...?'_

Naruto just shrugged, not really caring if there was a differance.

Naruto lifted his head off his desk so he wouldn't have Mr. Iruka glare at him anymore. His attention wandered as his teacher continued his boring lecture. He wasn't even sure what class he was in anyways.

Out of sheer boredom, he looked about the class.

There was Kiba, the loudmouthed jock. So what if he was line backer for the football team? Chouji, who sat a row over, was defensive lineman, and he didn't get nearly as much drooling bimbo's all over him.

Sakura was on the cheerleading squad, as was Ino who sat on the other side of the room. Mr. Iruka got tired of them gossiping in class. Seperating them didn't help much.

Sasuke. How the emo-kid-extrodinaire got to be quarterback Naruto never knew, but he didn't care much either... The Bruins... What the fuck was a Bruin anyway?

There was Shikamaru, the president of the Chess Club. He was as lazy as Naruto himself was, so he had to be forced by the other charter members into taking the position.

Shino... was there.

Then there was Hinata... he didn't know what to think about Hinata. She was quiet and shy, and she always stuttered around him, which was wierd, but she never made fun of him, which was kind of cool. She was also a little cute...

Then there was Kuno, captain of the kendo team. He was a loudmouth of the stuck-up-prick variety. For some reason he thought he was God's gift to women.

Ranma was cocky, and a bit thick headed, but at least he didn't pick on anybody for no reason. Unless it was his alleged fiance Akane, who had the misfortune to sit right beside him.

Chitose, the new transfer student. He didn't say much, but Naruto heard he lived on his own. He might have tried making friends, if only to exploit the lack of supervision hanging out at Chitose's house would garner, but he was in the same situation.

Naruto lived with his grandfather Sarutobi, but the old man was always away for buisiness. Naruto was lucky if he saw him once a month.

Mr. Iruka was really getting on his nerves. Why all the lecturing?

"Oi! Iruka-sensei! Teach us some cool jutsu!" Naruto yelled at his teacher.

Sasuke smacked him on the back of his head.

"What was that for Sasuke-teme?!" the blonde demanded.

"We are in high school."

"Yeah, so? I wanna learn some jutsu!"

"There is no jutsu in high school dobe. Stay in character."

"What do ya mean stay in- ohhhh..., right.We're doin' an AU today." Naruto said, realisation dawning.

Sasuke shook his head muttering about stupid anime nut-jobs.

Luckily, the class bell rang so Naruto didn't hear the comment. He was already halfway to the cafeteria.

Grabbing his tray, he walked up to the servers.

"RAMEN!!!" he said entusiasticaly.

The old lady just rolled her eyes and plopped a scoopfull of some half identifiable substance on Naruto's tray.

"Wait, I said ramen." Naruto whined. "Ramen! And I'm not leaving untill I get it!"

Naruto jumped as a lightning bolt slammed into the floor two feet away.

"Where the hell did that come from?!"

The smoke cleared away and revealed silvery, though a tad sloppy, writting.

_There is no ramen. You get cafeteria mush like everyone else. Stay in character and deal with it._

_-The Creator_

Naruto looked on as the writing dissappeared.

"I want rame-"

He was cut off as a bolt hit him, making his already spikey hair that much worse.

"Nevermind..." he said taking a seat.

Sasuke walked up and sat beside him.

"Naruto, I just got some very disturbing news..."

"Yeah, so did I!"

"That makes things easier," the Uchiha said with a dejected sigh.

He reached over and held Naruto's hand akwardly.

"Oi! What the hell are ya doing Sasuke?!"

"I thought you said you got the news too Naruto?"

"Yeah, as in I don't get ramen! Why are you getting all fruity on me?"

"The Creator took a poll. The majority voted for us to be in a relationship for some reason..."

"How's this for a relationship, my foot in your ass!"

"I think that's sort of what they had in mind, except for the foot."

Naruto blanched.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

"Naruto, whatth wrong? Talk to your Thathuke... you know what? Fuck the lisp. I don't like this anymore then you do, but at least neither of us need to deal with Neji. I think he'd be a little violent..."

"I need alchohol, and lot's of it." Naruto muttered.

-ooo-

Naruto walked into his house a few hours later, Sasuke not far behind.

The blonde went straight for the liqour cabinet.

"Pick your poison." he said as he grabbed a large bottle of scotch.

Sasuke grabbed the vodka, tequila, and whiskey.

-ooo-

Naruto awoke with a hangover from hell.

"Oh my head..." Naruto sat up and immediatly hopped up.

"Oh my ASS!!!!" Why does my ass hurt?!" He spied his classmate rousing from sleep in the bed next to him. Naruto didn't see any clothing.

He wasn't wearing anything either.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

He soon learned what a mistake it was to scream when afflicted with a hangover. It was even worse after helping finish off four bottles of hard liqour.

"No screaming." Sasuke whimpered.

"You raped me!" Naruto said in as loud a whisper as he dared.

"I did not. We should have been too drunk to move, let alone, well..." Sasuke let the thought trail off.

"Then how?"

"It was me!" a pink haired man cried in excitement as he jumped out of the closet. "Seiryo Tennan!"

"AHHH- ohhhh" both guys screamed aggravating their hangovers.

This Seiryo character wasn't wearing any pants either.

"Who... who the fuck are you!" Naruto said enraged.

"I am the new truancy officer at Jutsu High! I simply wished to demonstrate the penalty for not showing up to school."

"That's some fucking penalty!"

"Aptly said."

Sasuke silently vowed to never skip out on class again. Ever.

**A/N: **I know it's quite a bit more obscene than I usually write, but it fits the subject matter. I try to avoid heavy cursing and what-not when I write because it usually doesn't fit. I really don't see these characters dropping 'F-bombs' left and right in their usual setting, therefore I don't write it that way. Jutsu High is nowhere close to 'usual settings' on the other hand, and is perfectly reasonable.

No that the explanation is out of the way, how do ya like it so far? Want to see more? I purposefully left it open ended just in case... It's your call. Hell, I'll even take suggestions. Where do YOU want to see it go? My box is always open. Even for other fics I post, if you have comments send them in. Untill then, Ky out.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, Ranma 1/2, Happy Lesson, Tenchi (Muyo!, Universe, in Tokyo, or GXP), or any other anime I may shamelessy include in this work of insanity.

_**Jutsu High**_

_**By Ky Hakubi**_

**Chapter Two**

Kiba walked up to Naruto during gym, a large shit eating grin plastered on his face.

"Oi, Naruto! I noticed you had trouble sitting down in class. Did ya have a date last night?" He asked in a tone suggesting exactly what he thought of the orange wearing loudmouth.

"Oh yeah. I didn't think older women could be quite that rough, but your mother sure proved me wrong. Should I start calling you 'son' yet?" Naruto replied offhandedly.

"You son of a bitch! I'm gonna kill you!" Kiba said as he charged, fist leading the way.

He was stopped short by a strong gloved hand. He looked up in surprise as Naruto squeeked in terror.

The owner of the hand had pink hair, and Sakura was nowhere to be seen.

"No fighting on campus," Tennan said in a haughty manner. "Come to my office young man."

He didn't give Kiba a chance to reply as he started dragging him by the wrist.

Naruto held a moment of silence for the recently departed.

Sasuke came up from behind and put an arm around his shoulder.

"What's up with Kiba?"

"Sasuke?"

"Yeah?"

"Arm. Remove or die." Naruto growled.

"Hey I'd love to, but you know the rules. Majority rules, and the majority says that this fic is rated 'M for Man-love'."

"SASUKE! Get your arm off or die!!!!!" Naruto screamed as he hip tossed the unwary Uchiha.

An azure bolt of blue struck down from the sky, blasting Naruto in the neck and sending him flying into the nearest tree.

"Aw shit that hurt. I think The Creator has it in for me."

Naruto went to rub his sore neck, only to find a thin metallic collar.

"What the fuck?"

Another bolt struck the ground. The silver sloppy writing of The Creator materialized before him.

_Behavior Modification Device Version 3.6. If the wearer acts out of the confines of his stated role, a jolt of electricity shall pass through the collar. Have a nice day._

_P.S.: Any attempt to remove the collar shall activate a small explosive charge, thus removing the head from body Battle Royale style!_

_The Creator_

"Shit! A fucking shock collar! I think The Creator hates me..."

Sasuke sat down next to Naruto warily.

"So, how bad is it?" he asked, having not seen the message.

"Bad. It's an exploding shock collar. I'm think I'm going to need some assistance in this 'relationship'," he said, with a sarcastic emphasis on the last.

Sasuke patted his hand comfortingly.

"Don't do tha-aaaaaaaaaaaaagh!"

Naruto could only gurgle as enough electricity to bring down a horse passed through his body.

"'Have a nice day' my ass..." he mumbled.

He leapt to his feet as well as he could while his muscles twitched from the recent onslaught.

"I need to see Shino."

Sasuke looked up at him incredulously.

"Are you serious?!"

"Yep. I can't do this as I am. I need a change, and Shino is the only one who can help."

"I'm going with you," Sasuke replied as he stood.

"No, this I must do on my own. I ask you not to follow me Sasuke."

"Your so brave Naruto. How did I get so lucky?"

Naruto gagged, but managed to bite back his retort. That collar hurt!

Minutes later he found himself behind the gym. There stood Shino, flanked by what looked like two logs. One had a strange design in blue, the other in red. The suddenly lifted off the ground and flew towards Naruto impeding his path.

"What is your business with Lord Shino?" the blue demanded.

"Speak or be dealt with in a most painfull manner!" voiced the red.

"Stand down Azaka, Kamidake," Shino said in a raspy voice.

"Yes Master," the two gaurdians echoed as they returned to their flanking positions.

"So, what brings you here Naruto? I didn't think you were into this life."

"Things have changed Shino. I need a 'pick me up', and I need it bad."

Shino studied Naruto for a moment before answering.

"Very well. I think we can do business. Take $50 to the western wing of campus. There is a changing room on the first floor. You'll know which one when you see it. Inside is an item of signifigance to me. It will be located in the third locker of the fifth row. It will be marked by a yellow lily. Bring this item to me and you will recieve your recompense."

"Why does this sound like a lame side quest?"

"Do you want your drugs or not?" Shino asked harshly.

"Yes, for the love of God, I'll get your damn package!"

As Naruto started for the western wing he was intercepted by Sasuke.

"So, how did it go?"

"He gave me a side quest."

"A side quest? You're shitting me."

"Nope. Side quest. Wanna come?"

"Well, since you asked," Sasuke replied as he started to undo his belt.

"Bastard! I meant help find this damn item!"

"Oh. I suppose that works too," he said as he restrung his belt.

Naruto detected an aire of disappointment.

_Good,_ he thought.

-ooo-

They found themselves in front of the changing room in question. It was the only one in the area. It was a girls' changing room.

"Why me?" Naruto whined.

"Lets just get this over with." Sasuke muttered.

"What I wouldn't give for a henge."

"Stay in character Naruto."

"Damn you teme."

"How cute. A lover's tift."

"AAHHHHH!" they screamed as Neji walked up from behind.

"I'm sorry to say, but you must defeat me to en-"

He was cut short as two fists collided with his face. He dropped like a limp noodle.

"Well, that was easy." Naruto commented.

"Be careful. I think he was only a sub-boss."

"Sub-boss? What the hell are you talking about?" Naruto demanded.

"Well, so far this was all too easy. The challenge rating isn't right yet. I'm suspecting that an even greater challenge lies behind this door," Sasuke said gesturing to the locker room.

"Sasuke?"

"Yes Naruto?"

"Stop meta-gaming. You're going to cost s EXP."

"Right, sorry." Sasuke replied sheepishly.

"Sasuke, when did our lives turn into a lame RPG?"

"Probably about the time that you went to Shino."

"Oh. Just checking."

With a determined mind set, they pushed open the door and entered the changing room.

_**NOW LOADING...**_

_**PLEASE INSERT DISK 2 AND PRESS 'X'...**_

_**DISK READ ERROR. PLEASE TRY AGAIN...**_

_**DISK READ ERROR. PLEASE TRY AGAIN...**_

_**NOW LOADING...**_

"Naruto, let's never do this again..."

"Yeah. Good idea."

As they walked in, they heard a pitiful whining.

"What do you suppose that is?" Naruto asked.

"I'm not sure, but the whine sounds familiar."

They walked around the lockers and nearly vomited. In the shower was Kiba wearing a leather collar, hotpants, and nipple clamps. Seiryo Tennan was wearing what could only be dscribed as a domniatix suit, complete with stiletto heels.

"Call me princess you mutt!" the pink haired man cackled as he whipped the jock with a cat o' nine tails.

Naruto and Sasuke dove in between some lockers before they were spotted.

"What the hell kind of principal would hire a psycho like that?!" Naruto boggled.

Sasuke was too speechless to reply.

Naruto took a quick look around and noticed he was standing in front of the locker he seeked.

Smirking to himself he opened the door and saw the item. It was a pair of thong panties decorted with lillies. Judging by the smell, they were recently worn as well. A quick look and he realized that this locker belonged to Ino Yamanaka.

Quietly closing the locker he nudged Sasuke toward the door. As thy reached tou open it they heard voices on the other side.

_OH SHIT! The girls are coming back!!!_

"Sasuke, quickly! Activate your 'Fan-girl Mesmerization' powers! Distract them so we can escape with our lives!"

Sasuke collected himself and stood cooly agaisnt the wall facing the door as Naruto hid off to the side.

The door opened and in walked the cheerleader squad led by Sakura and Ino.

"Hello ladies," Sasuke said seductively.

The squad instantly went into fan-girl mode and squeeled in delight as the object of their affections smiled at them. Naruto snuck out without so much as a hint of his presence.

"Heh heh, mission accomplished!" he cheered.

Sasuke caught up minutes later. He looked like he was ravaged. His hair was messed up,he was covered in lipstick, and his clothes were torn.

"Have fun?" Naruto asked with a laugh.

"Oh, you'll pay for that later," the Uchiha threatened.

-ooo-

Shino studied the item before stuffing it into his jacket and tossing Naruto a small paper bag.

"Here is what you requested. I thank you for your efforts in aquireing this for me. My collection is complete."

Shino reached up and grabbed a zipper on the top of his head before dragging it down. His body fell open and a short old man leapt out.

"What a haul! I love you my silky darlings!"

Naruto watched the old pervert fade into the distance.

"I really hate this school."

---

**AN:** Chapter 2 complete! I figure that one more will finish up Justu High. Comments are welcome and encouraged.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I own nothing in this work of fiction. In fact, it's not even fiction. This really happened... What's that? It didn't? Hey, I don't step on your delusions, so don't tarnish mine!

_**Jutsu High**_

_**By Ky Hakubi**_

**Chapter Three**

Naruto looked at the paper bag he held in his hand.

"Are you sure this is really neccesary?" Sasuke asked again.

Naruto had a far off look in his eye.

"Yes."

He opened the bag slowly, holding onto his sense of self for a few more moments before taking the plunge.

Naruto eyes grew to the size of saucers when he finally mastered his nerve enough to look at the contents.

"Whats wrong Naruto? Not what you were wanting?" Sasuke asked only half interested.

Naruto looked at the Uch-emo and mentally cackled at his new title for the raven haired youth.

_'Uch-emo. Heh heh, good one me!'_

The blonde schooled his features and shook his head, emptying the bag.

Where both boys were expecting some sort of narcotics, instead was an odd assortment of items.

One Backstreet Boys cd.

Two Hilary Duff cd's.

The full DVD collection of Gravitation.

One pack of cherry flavored edible panties.

Two mini bottles of Jack Daniel's.

While each of these items got an uneasy look in turn, it was the final object that garnered the most repulsed action.

One instruction manual. Hershey Highway: A Beginner's Guide to Brown Town.

That one earned an outbreak of profanity riddled vomiting. It had full colored pictures.

"All this for fifty bucks and a pair of stolen panties?" Sasuke goggled.

"Nope. I didn't leave the fifty, remember? I think he said that just to sound official." Naruto replied as he drank half a bottle of Jack to wash the taste of bile from his mouth.

A strange beeping noise diverted the conversation.

"Um, Sasuke? What is that noise?"

_Beep, beep beep._

"This pagers drivin me crazy."

Sasuke rolled his eyes at the plug and checked the caller.

"It's The Creator."

"The Creator is paging you? Why not just blue-bolt ya a couple times like he does me? Oh yeah, cause you're the Uchiha! Everyone loves the Uchiha!" Naruto yelled. He continued to rant, running a gamaut of impersonations. "'Oh, Sasuke betrayed the village? Nonsense! He's too perfect for that. Maybe he just went out for a walk!'. 'Sasuke-kun is so pretty! I bet he'll become a chuunin before anyone else!'. 'Sasuk-aghhhhhhh!"

Sasuke could only cringe as the shock collar activated.

"I uh, think I'm gonna return this call. Try not to swallow your tongue. That's my job."

Naruto did his best to choke to death.

He was disappointed to learn that life goes on.

"Why do you hate me so?" the blonde asked the cloudless sky.

Well, it was cloudless. Until the clouds decided to start writing.

_I don't hate you. You're amusing. It's like, watching an anthill after pouring battery acid on it. I can't help but laugh as you squirm... Excuse me, I have a phone call._

_The Creator_

"It's official. The Creator hates me." Naruto whined.

"Hate him back. It works for me."

Naruto looked over and saw a tall man with shaggy hair chewing on a dog biscuit.

He blinked as the man simply walked away.

Looking back to the sky he said, "Oi. Tell Sasuke I'm going home. I need more booze."

-ooo-

Naruto set upon getting completely wasted like it was ramen. He even went so far as to cook his ramen _with_ alcohol. He even took a shot of drain cleaner just to be sure he did a good job.

Why enough alcohol to kill a herd of bison? Simple. Sasuke had relayed his latest conversation with The Creator.

The fans demanded lemons, and not the fruit.

Naruto had listened to the cd's until his ears bled, and Sasuke was currently reading the manual. They had rather enjoyed Gravitation. The trigger happy manager K was a favorite for Naruto. He wished he had a few guns himself. And maybe a fragmentation grenade or five.

Sasuke was having trouble getting Shining Collection out of his head. Naruto cited that as another excuse for his consumption of hard liqour. Sasuke was a terrible singer.

Naruto was pouring a second shot of drain cleaner when Sasuke decided that the blonde had had enough to drink.

"Alright Naruto, let's just get this done and over with."

"mmphfffk fooomph phummmphkuuuu" the orange clad youth retorted with his face buried in a couch cushion.

Sasuke could only guess what he had said.

_Guess it's all up to me..._

Sasuke grabbed Naruto's waistband and-

**CENSORED!!!**

"Ha ha! Fooled you!"

_**"Somebody get Rick Morranis out of here! Sorry about that, but after getting Kazutaka Muraki to direct the sex scene, I just had to cut it. It was fairly twisted and I don't think the actors are ever going to recover. Wait, I think Naruto wants to say something."**_

"Oi! After all that you better damn well use the scene!!! Use it! Or I'll shove this shock collar up your-"

_**"Thank you Naruto. That was very inspiring. Well, Dobe wants you to see it, so I guess I can't hold it back. Here it is, in all it's twisted glory. You have been warned.**_

-slammed him into the wall. Thin cords wrapped themselves about Naruto's body and constricted, effectively tieing him down.

"You have been bound with the fallopian tubes of 108 toothless crack whores. There is no escape my sweet, sweet Naruto. We have all the time in the world to play. The Gaurdians of Death have no idea where we are, or that you're even being held agaisnt your will. Oh yes, I think we'll have a lot of time to, get to know one another..."

Naruto could only squek in horror as his restraints shifted and his pants were torn away like so much paper.

"Oh, did I forget to mention? I also invited a couple Shikima to partake of your magnificent body."

Naruto's scream was cut off as a flailing tentacle forced its way into his mouth. If the salty taste didn't make him want to puke, the pistoning motions it started making sure as hell did.

Sasuke laughed insanely at Naruto's obvious outrage and humiliation.

"If you think this is bad, wait until the games really begin!"

Naruto could only stare, confusion etched upon his visage.

Ignorance really is bliss he learned, as another stiff appendage trailed teasingly up his thigh.

This was worse than that night he and Sakura got caught in the rain and had to take refuge in that castle. He didn't care what she said, he still thought it was just a hunting lodge for rich weirdos.

Tears burst from his eyes as the slimy tentacle invaded-

_**"Alright, that's enough of that. And now for something completely differant. Like, ending credits!"**_

**Cast**

Uzumaki Naruto - Himself

Uchiha Sasuke - Himself

Inuzuka Kiba - Himself

Tennan Seiryo - Himself

Aburame Shino/Happosai - Themselves

The Creator - Ky Hakubi

Azaka - Keith David (voice only)

Kamidake - Crispin Glover (voice only)

Scene Double for Mr. Tennan - Michael Jackson

Puppeteer for Azaka and Kamidake - Kankuro and Kevin Clash

Special Effects by WETA Workshop

Music by Viewer Imagination

No Rights Reserved

THE END!

AN: Heh heh... Wow. Um, chocolate biscuits to anyone who can point out all the easter eggs! Special props to anyone who actually finished reading. You're a special kind of psycho, and I love you for it ;P Hope you were as entertained as I was!


End file.
